Chapter 29: Funeral and Memorial Planning

The conversation everyone delays

If you ask most adults what kind of funeral they want, they'll say something vague like "nothing fancy" or "whatever the family wants." Press for details and they'll usually shrug. They haven't thought about it. They don't want to think about it. They certainly don't want to plan for it.

This is one of the worst gifts you can leave your family.

When the time comes — and it always comes — your grieving spouse or children will have approximately 24-72 hours to make decisions about your remains, your service, your music, your readings, the casket or urn, the burial plot, and a hundred smaller details. They will be doing this while in shock. They will be doing this while overwhelmed by other estate tasks. And they will be doing this with no guidance because you wouldn't talk about it.

The kindest thing you can do is take 90 minutes and write down what you want.

The basic decisions

These are the core decisions that need to be made within the first 1-3 days after death:

1. Disposition of remains. Burial, cremation, donation to science, green burial, alkaline hydrolysis (water cremation, available in some states), or other.

2. Funeral home or service provider. Which one will handle the body and arrangements.

3. Service or no service. Funeral, memorial service, celebration of life, private gathering, or nothing public.

4. Religious or secular. What tradition, if any, governs the service.

5. Open or closed casket. If burial is the choice.

6. Where the service will be held. Funeral home, place of worship, home, restaurant, outdoor space, etc.

7. Burial location or scattering site. Cemetery, family plot, scattered at sea, or other.

8. Reception. Where, with whom, food and drink.

9. Obituary and notifications. Who writes, where it's published.

10. Budget. Funerals can range from under $1,000 to over $50,000.

Having any of these pre-decided is a gift to your family.

The cost of NOT planning

Funeral homes vary dramatically in price. Identical services can cost $4,000 at one funeral home and $14,000 at another. When grieving family members are picking a funeral home in 24 hours, they often pick the first one they find or the one with the best marketing — not the best value.

Without planning:

• Family pays whatever the funeral home charges, often without comparison shopping.
• Decisions are made under emotional duress.
• Higher-end "packages" are often selected because the family wants to "do right" by the deceased.
• Average traditional funeral: $7,000-$12,000.

With planning:

• You can pre-arrange (and sometimes pre-pay) at fixed prices.
• Family knows what you wanted, doesn't have to guess.
• Cost-conscious decisions can be made if you preferred them.
• Average pre-planned funeral: significantly lower, often half.

The disposition options in detail

Traditional burial

The conventional American funeral: embalming, casket, viewing, service, burial in a cemetery plot, marker.

Costs: $7,000-$15,000+ depending on locale and choices.

Components:

• Funeral home services (preparation, viewing, service): $3,000-$7,000.
• Casket: $1,000-$10,000+.
• Burial vault (often required by cemeteries): $1,000-$3,000.
• Cemetery plot: $1,000-$10,000+ depending on location.
• Headstone or marker: $1,000-$5,000+.
• Other expenses (flowers, obituary, transportation, etc.).

Cremation

Has overtaken burial as the most common choice in many parts of the country.

Direct cremation: No service, just cremation. Body picked up, cremated, ashes returned. $1,000-$3,000 typically.

Cremation with service: Memorial service either before or after cremation. $3,000-$7,000.

Disposition of ashes:

• Urn for keeping at home.
• Burial in a cemetery (often in smaller plots).
• Scattering (legality varies by location — can usually scatter at sea, often illegal in public parks without permits).
• Memorial jewelry or art incorporating ashes.
• Scattering tubes for distribution among family members.

Green burial

Increasingly popular. No embalming, biodegradable casket or shroud, burial in a green cemetery (no vault).

Costs: Often less than traditional burial, $1,000-$5,000.

Considerations:

• Limited green cemeteries in many areas.
• Generally requires faster timeline (no embalming for indefinite preservation).
• More environmental than traditional burial.

Alkaline hydrolysis (water cremation)

Newer technology using water and alkaline chemicals to break down the body. Legal in about 25 states.

Costs: Similar to or slightly more than fire cremation.

Considerations:

• More environmentally friendly than fire cremation.
• Limited availability.
• Outcome similar to cremation (returns "ashes" to family).

Body donation

Donating your body to a medical school for educational use.

Costs: Usually free or low cost (the institution handles transportation and eventual cremation).

Process:

• Pre-register with a specific medical school (most require pre-registration).
• At death, family contacts the school.
• Body used for medical education.
• Eventually cremated and returned to family (timeline varies — months to years).

Consider: Not all bodies are accepted (medical conditions, COVID, autopsies, certain medications can disqualify). Have a backup plan.

Other options

Burial at sea: Legal with specific procedures. Can be costly (boat charter).

Promession (freeze-drying): Legal in only a few jurisdictions.

Human composting: Legal in a growing number of states, including Washington, Colorado, Oregon, and others.

The funeral home selection

Funeral homes are businesses. Some are family-owned and have been part of the community for generations. Others are corporate chains with consistent (sometimes higher) pricing structures.

The Federal Trade Commission's "Funeral Rule" requires funeral homes to:

• Provide itemized General Price Lists (GPL) on request.
• Allow you to choose only the goods and services you want.
• Provide casket prices over the phone if asked.
• Not require you to buy a casket from them (you can buy elsewhere).

Comparison shopping:

• Get GPLs from 3-5 funeral homes in your area.
• Compare apples to apples (e.g., direct cremation only, with no service).
• Differences can be 200-300% or more.

Pre-planning vs. pre-paying:

• Pre-planning is documenting your wishes. No money exchanged. Always advisable.
• Pre-paying is putting money on deposit with a specific funeral home for future services. Worth considering but with caveats:
• Funeral home could go out of business (some states protect via insurance or trust).
• You could move to a different area.
• Inflation may erode value if not properly funded.
• Locks in pricing; can be valuable if pre-need pricing is favorable.

For most people, pre-planning without pre-paying is the right balance — express your wishes clearly, but keep the funds liquid for the family to spend.

The service itself

Beyond the disposition, you can plan the service.

Type of service:

• Funeral. Body present (open or closed casket).
• Memorial service. No body present. Often after cremation.
• Celebration of life. Less formal, more focused on honoring life than mourning death.
• Graveside service. Brief service at burial site.
• Wake / visitation. Time for family and friends to gather, often before the formal service.

Religious or secular:

• If religious, the tradition's customs guide much of the service.
• If secular, you have more flexibility but also more decisions.

Elements you can pre-specify:

• Music. Favorite songs, hymns, or musical pieces. Live performers or recordings.
• Readings. Bible passages, poems, literature, personal writings.
• Speakers. Specific eulogists. Sometimes pre-arranged with their consent.
• Visual elements. Photo montage, video tribute, displayed items.
• Religious or cultural traditions. Specific prayers, rituals, customs.
• Tone. Solemn, celebratory, humorous, reflective.
• Flowers vs. donations. Many people request donations to specific charities in lieu of flowers.

Things to think about that aren't obvious:

• Should there be a livestream for family who can't attend in person?
• Should children be involved? At what age?
• Should pets be present?
• Are there foods, drinks, or rituals important to your culture or family?
• Is there anything you absolutely don't want? (Specific music, specific speakers, specific religious elements?)

Writing your funeral wishes

A simple document — one to three pages — covering the basics. Keep with your other estate documents. Review every few years.

Suggested structure:

Section 1: Practical decisions.

• Disposition: burial, cremation, etc.
• Funeral home preference (if any).
• Type of service: funeral, memorial, celebration of life.
• Religious / secular.
• Open or closed casket.
• Burial location or scattering wishes.

Section 2: Service elements.

• Music: specific songs/hymns, or genre preferences.
• Readings: specific texts you want included.
• Speakers: people you'd like to speak (with their pre-confirmation if possible).
• Tone: solemn, celebratory, humorous.

Section 3: Reception / gathering.

• Where to hold gathering.
• Food preferences (catered, potluck, none).
• Whether to invite extended community or limit to family.

Section 4: Notifications.

• Obituary preferences.
• Where to publish.
• Specific people to be notified personally.
• Online notification preferences (Facebook memorial page, etc.).

Section 5: Donations / flowers.

• Preference for charitable donations vs. flowers.
• If donations, specific charities.

Section 6: Final wishes.

• Anything else important to you.

The "what to wear, what to do with my hair" decisions

These small details matter more than people expect.

Items to pre-decide for an open-casket funeral:

• Specific outfit (some people pre-select; can be specified in writing).
• Hair preferences (style, color treatment).
• Glasses on or off?
• Jewelry to be worn (often returned to family before burial).
• Religious items (rosary, prayer book, etc.).

For cremation:

• Disposition of ashes (urn, scattering, jewelry, multiple containers for family).
• Whether ashes can be commingled with another family member's eventually.

These small decisions, pre-made, save the family from agonizing.

The financial reality

Funeral costs are real money. Know your options:

Self-funded. Family pays from estate or personal funds.

Pre-paid. Locked in via funeral home.

Insurance. Some life insurance policies have a "final expense" rider or similar; whole life policies can be used.

Burial insurance. Specific small life insurance policies (often $10K-$25K) intended specifically to cover funeral costs.

Veterans benefits. Veterans may qualify for burial benefits, including burial in a national cemetery (free for veteran), burial allowances, headstone, and flag.

Social Security. Pays a one-time death benefit of $255 to surviving spouses or eligible family members. Not enough to cover much, but it's something.

State / county assistance. For indigent burials, most states have programs. Modest but available.

Crowdfunding. GoFundMe and similar can help families with unexpected costs.

For most middle-class families, the cost is real but manageable. Discussing finances during pre-planning helps avoid family disputes about how much to spend.

Communicating wishes to family

Beyond the document, talk about your wishes.

Conversations to have:

• Spouse: detailed conversation about wishes.
• Children: at minimum, where to find the document.
• Designated executor or funeral coordinator: detailed conversation about practicalities.

The document does the heavy lifting. The conversation prevents your family from being shocked.

The day-of practical timeline

For your family's information, here's roughly what happens after death:

Hour 0-2: Pronouncement, transportation of body to funeral home or morgue.

Day 1: Initial funeral home meeting. Begin arrangements.

Day 1-3: Specific decisions made about service, casket, burial, etc.

Day 2-7: Service held (timing varies by religion, family, weather, body preparation needs).

Day 7-30: Burial, scattering, or other final disposition (sometimes happens at the service, sometimes later).

Day 30+: Headstone or marker placed (often weeks after burial).

This timeline can be compressed (some traditions require burial within 24 hours) or extended (some families hold the service weeks later for relatives to travel).

Common funeral planning mistakes

1. Not deciding anything. Family figures it out from scratch in crisis.

2. Pre-paying without research. Locked into a funeral home that may overcharge or close.

3. Overspending out of guilt. "Mom would have wanted the best..." leads to unnecessary upgrades.

4. Not telling anyone wishes exist. Document in a drawer, family makes different choices.

5. Ignoring religious or cultural traditions. Important to the deceased, important to the family, and missed if not specified.

6. Forgetting practical details. Where to hold the reception, who to notify, etc.

7. Not addressing remains specifically. Cremation? Burial? Donation? Default if unspecified is usually whatever the funeral home recommends.

8. Surprise funeral costs to family. No funds set aside, family pays out of pocket while waiting for estate distribution.

What to do this week

If you don't have funeral wishes documented:

1. Set aside 90 minutes and write a basic document.
2. Use the structure in this chapter as a starting point.
3. Make decisions on the major elements: disposition, service type, music, readings, donations vs. flowers.
4. Tell family the document exists and where it is.
5. Store with other estate documents.

If you want to pre-arrange (without pre-paying):

1. Visit 2-3 funeral homes. Get itemized price lists.
2. Pre-arrange at the one you prefer (decisions documented; no money exchanged).
3. Update your funeral wishes document with the funeral home name.

If you want to pre-pay:

1. Pre-arrange first.
2. Check state regulations for pre-paid funeral protections.
3. Confirm transferability if you might move.
4. Document terms clearly in your estate paperwork.

If a parent has died and you're handling funeral arrangements:

1. Look for their wishes documentation first. Check estate papers, attorney's file, safe deposit box.
2. Get itemized prices from the funeral home.
3. Don't be pressured into upgrades.
4. Lean on tradition or community. Religious leaders, cultural elders can guide.

Next chapter: the complete checklist. The 100-item master document that summarizes everything in this book in a format you can hand to anyone.