How to Run a Family Estate Meeting

A family estate meeting is not a casual dinner-table chat. It needs structure, an agenda, and ground rules — or it will devolve into old arguments faster than you can pour a glass of wine. Here's how to run one that actually works.

Who Should Be There

• +The person whose estate is being discussed (if alive and willing).
• +All children or primary beneficiaries — even the ones who live far away (video call is fine).
• +The named executor, trustee, and healthcare proxy — even if they're the same person.
• +Spouses should be invited but can be optional. Their presence can help or hinder depending on family dynamics. Discuss this with siblings first.
• +Do NOT invite attorneys, financial advisors, or other professionals to the first meeting. Their presence changes the tone. Get the family conversation right first; bring professionals in later.

Setting the Agenda

Keep it to 3–4 topics maximum. A suggested agenda for a first meeting:

• +Opening statement (see our Family Meeting Opening Statement script)
• +Where are we now? — Do estate documents exist? Are they current? Who knows where they are?
• +Roles — Does everyone know their role (executor, trustee, healthcare proxy)? Does everyone accept it?
• +One specific topic — Pick the most important unresolved question (caregiving plan, what to do with the house, end-of-life medical preferences)
• +Next steps — What actions need to happen before the next meeting?

Ground Rules

• +One person speaks at a time. No interrupting.
• +No phones or distractions during the meeting.
• +Stay on topic. If something important but off-topic comes up, write it on a 'parking lot' list and address it next time.
• +Anyone can call a 5-minute break if emotions run high.
• +Nothing discussed in this meeting is shared outside the room without group agreement.
• +No decisions have to be made today. The goal is to start the conversation, not finish it.

Facilitating the Discussion

• +Designate a facilitator — the person who called the meeting or the most neutral family member. Their job is to keep the conversation on track, not to advocate for a position.
• +Ask open-ended questions: 'What concerns you most about this process?' rather than 'Do you agree with the plan?'
• +Validate emotions without letting them derail the meeting: 'I understand this is emotional. Let's take a moment and come back to the question.'
• +Use a whiteboard, shared document, or notepad to capture decisions and action items visibly. People are less likely to dispute things they watched you write down.
• +Keep the meeting under 90 minutes. Longer meetings lose focus and energy.

After the Meeting

When to Skip the Family Meeting and Go Straight to a Professional

In these cases, a professional mediator, elder law attorney, or family therapist with estate experience is the right first step — not a family meeting.

• +There is active litigation or threats of litigation between family members.
• +There is a history of domestic violence, abuse, or severe dysfunction.
• +One family member is being financially exploited by another.
• +A family member has active addiction and is making demands that enable their substance use.
• +The family simply cannot be in a room together without it becoming destructive.